A Year of Restoration

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As 2018 ended and 2019 began, the word restoration kept springing to mind. To restore something whether it be a relationship, physical health, or house, simply means to bring an item back to its original state. Restoration is my word for the year as I seek to rebuild my relationship with God and my life.

Restoration in the Bible, like our word in English, can mean many things, such as the restoration brought about by prophecy, healing, the restoration of the Temple, and the restoration of the merciful/righteous. My focus on restoration will be the aspect of returning to God after a period of sin and trials.

2019 will mark twenty years since I first accepted Christ, and it has been a wild ride. I have faced many trials over the course of these years, which have often led to me questioning God’s plan, my decision making, leaving church, going back to church, and so on and so forth. I truly admire those who have spent their lives serving God without reservation or hesitation. I would like to get to that point and stay there.

This year I am working on restoring my relationship with God, while continuing to grow as an individual. There are numerous verses, Old and New Testament, concerning coming back to God after sin and trials. I would like to share a few of them.

“And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm, and steadfast.” -1 Peter 5:10 (NIV).

“And when you and your children return to the Lord your God and obey Him with all your heart and with all your soul according to everything I’ve commanded you today, then the Lord your God will restore your fortunes and have compassion on you and gather you again from all the nations where He scattered you.” -Deuteronomy 30:2-3 (NIV).

“Restore us, God Almighty; make your face shine on us, that we may be saved.” -Psalm 80, verses 3, 7, and 10 (NIV).

As we go forward into this year, let us be mindful of God’s grace. No matter what we’ve gone through, even if the situation pushed us away from God, we can always come back to Him. God bless.

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The Loneliness Strikes at Night

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By Michael W. Raley

The loneliness strikes at night,

Right before time to go to sleep.

I don’t want to be alone,

So I try to put off the inevitable.

I stay up, fighting the loneliness until I’m exhausted,

Before finally going to sleep.

The next battle is trying to stay asleep,

As I toss and turn in weariness.

I wake up just as exhausted

As when I went to bed.

This house is just too big and too quiet

Without you here.

I’m over the heartbreak,

I have yet to adjust to sleeping alone.

Where I used to reach out and hold you,

I now grasp at the empty space.

That Used Feeling

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How do you get over the feeling of being used?

After you devoted years of your life, time, energy, money, a listening ear, friendship, the other party- the spouse who has filed for divorce, the downsizing employer, the friend who betrayed you- inform you that your services are no longer needed. Where do you go from there?

When it comes to matters of business, such as being laid off or being forced into early retirement, that’s just the reality of the business world. To quote from the classic movie, The Godfather, “It’s not personal, it’s strictly business.”

However, when it comes to interpersonal relationships- marriage, long-term dating, friendship, family, how do you get over that feeling of being used when the relationship sours? How can you build trust with anyone else? As the finalization of my divorce looms, I’ve had to battle this feeling of being used. I know that’s not truly the case and deep down, I am battling a false perception, which I must overcome. False perception or not, my heart still stings.

As I write this, I am forty-one years old and twenty of those years- two years of dating and eighteen of marriage have been intertwined with someone else. Two lives became one and now they are two separate lives. I know I did everything I could to make it work and only reluctantly agreed to a divorce, but the hurt remains. These twenty years weren’t all bad, as there are many great memories, laughs, and good times, yet here I am alone.

I know that divorce is a process. I have made strides and I am reconnecting with God. My family has also been a great source of strength during this time. I know as the time passes, I will right my perceptions. This shock wave will subside and I will move on with my life. This situation has truly rocked me to the core. I never thought I would be here.

 

Love’s Regret

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By Michael W. Raley

How could I have missed the signs

When they were in front of me the whole time?

Was I in denial and refused

To believe the real truth about you?

My heart has ached over this pain

And my body’s energy has been drained

Because this decision has cost me years,

Many restless nights, anxiety, and tears.

I wanted to believe that I made the right choice

As I drowned out the doubts of my inner voice.

This one time I ignored reason and went with emotion

While ignoring the red flags and commotion

Has cost me dearly,

For my soul is broken and weary.

You are gone and life has been turned upside down,

As you are on the other side of town.

I will fall in love again,

I just don’t know when.

Nevertheless, the work begins on rebuilding my spirit,

The inner me, who will escape from this pit.

The Awkward In-Between

By Michael W. Raley

For a once solid relationship,

Which was built on love, trust, faith, laughs, and deep conversations,

The dynamics have changed forever.

Since you left,

The deafening sound of silence has dominated the conversation in this house.

We now talk occasionally and as always, with civility,

But something feels off to me.

I know this process has to run its course,

However, I now find myself in this awkward in-between,

Where I don’t know what to say to you,

As if we are strangers meeting for the first time.

We are both living our new lives

After half of a lifetime together.

I know I must adapt to the new reality

And find my own way without you.

 

 

Making Midlife Adjustments

“Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”-Mike Tyson

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The greatest coaches and managers across all sports are able to make adjustments. These coaches and managers will study hours of film and spend additional hours putting in a game plan. It’s game day and all hell has broken loose. The plan isn’t working. The opponent has found a hole in your defense and is exploiting it. The offense can’t score, let alone gain any ground. What does the coaching staff do?

Make adjustments, that’s what the coaching staff does. The team gets together at halftime and tweaks the plan. The ability to adapt to an unplanned situation could mean the difference between a coach hoisting a championship trophy or being unemployed at season’s end.

Adaptability is a necessary skill in life. Adaptability is the difference between moving forward or staying stuck in an unfavorable situation. How do you adapt when a once solid relationship falls apart? What do you do when your financial bottom line changes? How do you handle a life-altering diagnosis? A crisis of faith?

Adaptation.

I have chronicled many of my life’s changes and struggles from my mental and physical health to my current situation, which is my impending divorce. It is still early in the divorce process, and I know the process has to play out. However, I never thought I would be making this particular “midlife adjustment.” This 1275 square foot home looks empty and sounds very cavernous, especially  when the dogs bark. However, I am making the best of the situation, and adjusting my financial lifestyle. I have never been a man of means, but I have found some fat that needs to be trimmed.

Adapting to life’s changes doesn’t mean you have to stop enjoying your life. This lesson I learned after my Celiac disease diagnosis. I had to be diligent in reading food labels and look out for the words”wheat,” “barley,” and “rye.” I have since learned there are derivatives of these products as well. I would often lament over the food I couldn’t have, but I learned to enjoy a bevy of new foods. Truth be told, many of the gluten-filled foods weren’t that good for me in the first place. If I can change my eating habits at thirty-nine, I can make adjustments from a divorce at forty-one.

I know it sounds cliche, but I am getting through this process one day at a time. It’s just me, the two dogs, the guinea pig, and the turtle. I must continue to take care of my physical and mental health in this situation, as the stress of all this has affected my body. My wife and I have told our immediate families, but there has not been a widespread announcement, which will come shortly. Part of me wants to get it out there and into the open, but another part of me doesn’t want the barrage of questions and the looks of judgments from others.

This looming divorce was never in the game plan. In the back of your mind, you always ask the “What if” questions of life, but you never see it coming. This was the punch in the mouth I did not expect, but I am clearing out the cobwebs. I have had my good days and the bad days that make you want to dig a hole and stay there, but I know I must persist. I will be fine. A long period of adjustment is coming, but I am willing to do the work and improve myself.

 

Paperwork and Boxes

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By Michael W. Raley

I never thought it would happen to me.

I never thought that I would become a statistic,

But here I am.

You are ready to move on and leave me here.

Alone.

After every trial we faced,

Every obstacle we overcame,

This life we built together

Comes down to paperwork and boxes.

I thought we communicated well,

Yet our problems accumulated like the clutter

That has piled up in our home.

I didn’t want this,

I didn’t ask for this,

And I certainly don’t deserve this.

Yet here we are,

Deconstructing a life into paperwork and boxes.